Twins at my age! Thoughts from an older Mum

Sometimes it literally feels like hell on earth. The sense of spiralling chaos until I am quite sure my eyes will pop out and certainly my heart stop, as I can hardly breath from anxiety. They become hell in slow incremental steps and the axis is usually trying to get L to school. All wake early, babies want feeding, L already cross as they are taking my attention. Today I thought I’d merrily distract L with the near complete homework as he only has to do some colouring...W screams for the crayons, grabs and tips them everywhere, L more angry. Have to change Rs nappy she’s most upset, has worms. Then W clings to my leg as I try to wash my hands desperate not to spread worm eggs anywhere else.... I Remember must ring doctor to find out how much deworming medicine can give 16 month old, google really doesn’t seem to know and mumsnet full of crackers ideas like ‘leave them and worms will die off’! Now D appears I’ve made porridge for girls which am trying to feed while also stopping t...

Thump thump thump goes my heart. I feel I’ve reached way beyond my popper threshold. Two bodies and dungarees and two babies and at least 6 nappies today and it’s pushed me into a place of popper hatred. The scrabbling to do them with one hand as they struggle and twist away from you. They are a torture these tiny little fastening devices, who in gods name thought them a good idea? They send you mad in incremental steps. What’s wrong with a zip? Or Velcro? Or something else? Why aren’t scientists working day and night to design easy fit clothes that make life a little easier for exhausted mothers ... who need a little helping hand ... not a million f’ing poppers to add to their daily chores? Footnote: today I started using some smart second hand clothes from Germany but it turns out they have micro poppers. My compartively large hands and poor eye sight means they have introduced a new low in popper hell!

I am tussling with the thought, ‘better to smoke or not to smoke’? Thankfully I managed to give up when I became pregnant with L aged 42 but Now secretly yearn for a vice that gives me a pause and reflect moment in fact I’ve taken to looking at smokers admiringly as they seem to be becoming a brave minority. But it’s my husband these thoughts refer to. He was a hardened smoker and could rarely be found without a cigarette pressed to his lips. He did manage to give up for 5 months when L was born but struck up again in Africa. Then for the girls he found greater resolve as being an older dad there’s the added incentive that it might extend his fathering years, a bleak but real consideration. Anyway it’s been pretty torturous for him and now 15 months later he still masticates frantically on nicotette gum. The slurping chew chew punctuates everything and puts us all on edge. Plus there’s the bursts of anger and almost constant irritability. But the bit that has finally pushed me to wanti...