Mothering Sunday... now What about all the positive stuff?
It’s been puzzling me why my posts are mainly negative. I think it’s because I need to vent and don’t really have an outlet apart from my poor mum, again or bending the ear of another exhausted mother at a toddler group...(while nursing a strong cup of instant coffee and trying to track my flitting bumblebees.) Or is it because I was bought up in a culture where positivity was considered dull, gloating, not noteworthy? Or that I don’t want to rub salt in the wound of those who wanted children and couldn’t have them? A very painful and frustrating state of being.
On that note, parenting allows you into a special club, a whole world Utterly impenetrable to those without children. It’s exclusive by it’s nature, no one can second you, only a babe in arms let’s you through that baize door. When I existed on the other side I imagined but had no idea what I was missing except i knew I was missing something, something immense and indescribable. Now I am part of that parenting club and it’s an all consuming world, privileged, extreme, sometimes dark but so rewarding words become pretty meaningless.
Well on mother’s day I am set pondering and turn my mind to trying to put celebration of these lives into words. My girls are emerging and unfurling before my very eyes. I often feel like a shepherd who provides breaks from the wind, fresh grass and a warm shelter but mainly I observe them gambolling free and exploring. It is quite extraordinary and I marvel at their development and differences... the many stages. For W the close examination of things, she spends long stretches quietly fitting things together, a lid, something that clicks, it gives her such qreat pleasure. R loves to pour water carefully from cup to cup, or find something forbidden and with a gleeful grin pursue it, uncovering toffees in a tin, tipping out dishwasher tablets, climbing on the table, the list goes on! I think they have a relaxed air compared to L, helped by the presence of their sister who can mirror and observe them.
But L, 6 1/2, is struggling with such different development, how to navigate friendship, find a sense of self while hating the pressure to read and write and the control of his parents. He is truly sensitive in a way that boys can be. He too unfurls daily and I try to work out how I can best support him, like a pea stick as he grows taller and taller. And I need to make space for light and laughter to flood in, even if only in shafts. It’s easy to forget this when so tired and faced by the daily rash of cleaning, washing, cooking tedium.
I asked L today what he felt the good things were about his sisters and he said “well they are so annoying but also cute. And when theres no one else to play with I can play with them, like chase them!”
My children open up the wonder of life in all its forms and as a mother dig into every crevice within, all corners of your awareness, patience, understanding, heart are explored, stretched and expanded. And with that exploration they reveal your weaknesses and expose seams of extreme pain as you try to protect them and not replicate mistakes of your childhood or personality.
But on Mother’s Day, putting all my fears of positivity aside, thank you for making me a mother - may I be worthy of your trust and magnificence.
On that note, parenting allows you into a special club, a whole world Utterly impenetrable to those without children. It’s exclusive by it’s nature, no one can second you, only a babe in arms let’s you through that baize door. When I existed on the other side I imagined but had no idea what I was missing except i knew I was missing something, something immense and indescribable. Now I am part of that parenting club and it’s an all consuming world, privileged, extreme, sometimes dark but so rewarding words become pretty meaningless.
Well on mother’s day I am set pondering and turn my mind to trying to put celebration of these lives into words. My girls are emerging and unfurling before my very eyes. I often feel like a shepherd who provides breaks from the wind, fresh grass and a warm shelter but mainly I observe them gambolling free and exploring. It is quite extraordinary and I marvel at their development and differences... the many stages. For W the close examination of things, she spends long stretches quietly fitting things together, a lid, something that clicks, it gives her such qreat pleasure. R loves to pour water carefully from cup to cup, or find something forbidden and with a gleeful grin pursue it, uncovering toffees in a tin, tipping out dishwasher tablets, climbing on the table, the list goes on! I think they have a relaxed air compared to L, helped by the presence of their sister who can mirror and observe them.
But L, 6 1/2, is struggling with such different development, how to navigate friendship, find a sense of self while hating the pressure to read and write and the control of his parents. He is truly sensitive in a way that boys can be. He too unfurls daily and I try to work out how I can best support him, like a pea stick as he grows taller and taller. And I need to make space for light and laughter to flood in, even if only in shafts. It’s easy to forget this when so tired and faced by the daily rash of cleaning, washing, cooking tedium.
I asked L today what he felt the good things were about his sisters and he said “well they are so annoying but also cute. And when theres no one else to play with I can play with them, like chase them!”
My children open up the wonder of life in all its forms and as a mother dig into every crevice within, all corners of your awareness, patience, understanding, heart are explored, stretched and expanded. And with that exploration they reveal your weaknesses and expose seams of extreme pain as you try to protect them and not replicate mistakes of your childhood or personality.
But on Mother’s Day, putting all my fears of positivity aside, thank you for making me a mother - may I be worthy of your trust and magnificence.
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